if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
