i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
