When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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