I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
