i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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