So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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