matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
