I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
