Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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