I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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