Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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