Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
