Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
