Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
