so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
