I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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