this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
