Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
