Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
