What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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