There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I smell like Dick and happiness
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
