You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Let's get the cat blown out
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
