your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
vagina is talking i cant
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
