Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You need a sexual gate keeper
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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