I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
