I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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