Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
