Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
