I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
why do cheetos always look like penises
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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