getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
