I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
