Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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