Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
