She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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