there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
