i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
