i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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