we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
