Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Vodka?
Forever.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
