He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
