omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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