Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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