I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
