I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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