laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
