no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
