So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
