I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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