Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
