Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
